Dear Jennifer,
This is a difficult situation, and I"m afraid that you may not like my answer. Because of the nature of your problem, and the fact that it involves children (or lack thereof) I think there needs to be clarity in my answer that will come across as very straight forward.
There is no compromise on whether to have children or not to have children. You can compromise on the # of children if you both want to have children, but either you have A child or you don't. There is no middle ground there. Because there is no middle ground, something or someone in this case has to give. That someone is either you giving in to have a child (which I do not recommend if you truly do not want children) or your husband giving in to not have a child.
Obviously, something has to give as well. You and your husband have to make the decision about what each of you want, and whether you can both be fullfilled by remaining together. I really sympathize with you. I myself am married, and knowing how much I love my husband (and how much you obviously love your husband) I cannot imagine the agony of being faced with this.
I do not believe that any child should be brought into the world that isn't wanted by BOTH parents. If you decided to have a child that you did not want, you would definetely be faced with feelings of resentment and would be saddled with the repsonsibility of raising that child for at least 18 years. This is not like getting a new car, or giving in on a vacation locale for the year. This is probably one of the biggest decisions that a couple has to face, and should not be taken lightly. Ideally things like this are worked out before marriage, but it appears that your husband was holding out on you changing your mind. That wasn't fair of him to do, or realistic. Yes, people often change their minds about child rearing and expanding their family as they age and mature.....but counting on someone to do so can be a huge risk.
My advice to you is to seek professional help, so that both of your feelings can be truly worked out. Ultimatums never succeed in strengthening relationships, they weaken them. Both you, and your husband need to be completely honest about this dilemma. The honesty needs to be pointed not only towards eachother, but to yourselves. Ask yourselves about how each of you would feel if you A. had children B. did not have children. Would you ultimately be so unhappy with either that divorce would be a better option for you? After you have truly examined your own and eachothers true feelings you can move toward making a decision that is best for both of you. However, dealing with one another in terms of ultimatum and intimidation (threatening divorce if no child is created in your marriage within two years) is not the way for either of you to truly get what you want.
I also don't see the idea of "sticking it out hoping he won't leave me" as an option for you. Having a marriage where there is a struggle for power, where one person is holding a threat over the other ...is no way to live. In my opinion, the only option that has a chance of creating an equal playing field in the presence of honesty and truth is to seek the help of a professional who can work with you regularly and help you both work through the feelings of this difficult issue.
Sincerely Yours,
TammyB |
